Once upon a time if you would have asked me what my biggest fear was I would have easily responded FAILURE. You see, I used to be scared of Failure. I didn’t accept it as part of my life. I had to be good at whatever I did. I accepted failure in others but not myself. I would help others through the guilt of failure. I would remind them that they weren’t expected to be perfect and that lessons were learned through failure. I wasn’t that forgiving to myself.
I felt if I failed at something it would make me a failure. I felt that my worth was tied into how well I performed. My worth was determined by how much I was needed. If I wasn’t good someone would be better. I still deal with this to a degree but since having my daughter I have learned the true meaning of fear. I am my daughter’s ONLY parent. Yes, she knows who her father is but the last time she saw him in person was December of 2015. He does not know her favorite color, the size she wears or the ten foods she will eat.
If something happens to me my daughter will be okay. I know this logically because I have life insurance. If you do not please stop reading and open up a new window to go find yourself some. We cannot play with our babies futures. My daughter will be okay financially if I am not here. My daughter will have a home with family and be supported by our village. Still, my biggest fear is leaving this Earth before my daughter is a self-sufficient adult.
I don’t put people in my daughter’s life that I don’t think serve a purpose or a role there. Yet, I do not trust anyone to raise her and instill values as I will. I pray every day and night that God allows me to grow old with her. I plan to be here to see my great-great grandbabies but I don’t have privy to His plans so the fear eats at me at times.
I’m sharing this because I know that there is someone out there that has this fear too. I’m writing this so that you know that you are not crazy and you are not alone. I’m sharing this because I can’t speak for other parents but I feel that this time of fear is an only parent one, at least to the magnitude that I experience it.
I’m sharing this because I know there are times when the fear gets bigger than me and I know that is not normal. I share because fears and anxieties are a part of parenthood in general. Speaking from the only motherhood space I have ever inhabited I think this type of fear is more prevalent in single parenting, especially only parenting. I also know that I have an AMAZING village which gives me the strength to walk my fear back into the hole it belongs in. The day that I cannot shrink my fear I will look for help.
I share this to remind you that the day your fears grow bigger than your strength I want you to look for help. I will help you find help if you need it. Just please do not give into your fears, whatever they might be.